So, why don’t I take my own advice sometimes.

Just a simple question to ask myself. No ranting or venting, no significant life lessons. Just sometimes, when you know you have good advice, especially when given to other people, maybe you should just take that advice and apply it to your own situations once in a while. You’re so busy trying to help others that you forget to help yourself. Yeah, you’re a nice person but the weight you help carry of other peoples burdens just wears you down even faster, mostly when you deal with everybody elses problems before your own. So why dont you sit down for a while and relax, share your burdens with somebody else that way the weight of the world isn’t on only your shoulders.

Whats on my mind?

You know every time I go to update my Facebook status and I see that “What’s on your mind?” I debate to myself, do I really want to put what’s on my mind there or do I want to post some nonsense that nobody really cares about because I don’t want them to know the truth. Well honestly I’m tired of not putting what’s really on my mind. I feel like I am lying to myself and to all of my friends when I keep everything to myself. So, what’s on my mind, well first and foremost life is on my mind, my failures are on my mind, my insecurities. I’m tired of keeping quiet about everything, pretty much lying to people just so they cant see how truly pathetic I feel most of the time. I know life is hard, I know that things will get better eventually, but right now it just seems like I am in a deep dark hole and I’m struggling to get out of it.

What else is on my mind, aside from the fact that I have to move again because yet again I was screwed over by a landlord, maybe I’m thinking about how because of me doing the right thing almost 4 years ago screwed me over and made it impossible for me to actually find a job in New York state. How could doing the right thing put me in this kind of situation? I thought that’s what we were supposed to do, but instead of doing the right thing now I am afraid to get myself involved in anything that even has the potential to cause me trouble. I’m afraid to live my own life. I just want things to work out, to get better. 

Another thing that’s on my mind, I’m depressed, I seek reassurance constantly, it is ruining things for me and I know even though I’m not perfect I dont have to be reassured over every little thing. I’m not a child and I have to stop acting like one, I have to take responsibility for my own actions and I have to work hard to get life back in order. 

Let me think for a moment here, I guess this business plan that I’m working on is constantly on my mind as well, because I want/need it to work out, I need something to be successful and proud of and I need a way to support myself in the times to come. I cant rely on others so readily and expect them to fix my problems so yeah, I need this business, I need that feeling of success back, I just need to motivate myself a little more, take a little risk. 

Lastly, for right now at least, I’m thinking about her, how I’ve been such a horrible boyfriend, how I didn’t even realize how much I was hurting her and affecting our relationship. I think a lot of it came from not wanting to lose her but because I tried to prevent that I almost caused it to happen. I have a second chance though a chance to make things right and a chance to do better.I will not mess this up because I love her, she means the world to me and I will be devastated knowing that I was given this chance and blew it so I am going to work hard to become who she fell in love with again rather than the sniveling manchild I am now. Depression has played a large part in this and feelings of being inadequate but I am getting help for that as well. Hopefully, I can fix a lot of these problems as long as I keep moving forward and as long as I never give up hope. 

Sometimes…

When you just dont know what to do, you have to take a step back and let life take its course no matter how much it hurts letting it just slip by you. Because really sometimes trying to fix things just makes it so much worse than if you took that step back and left them alone. 

Just random thinking.

I have no words of wisdom because I am not a wise man. I make mistakes, and I pay for those mistakes no matter how much I wish I could take them back. But isn’t that one of the parts of being human? You give love and you get love in return, you forgive those for doing wrong, nobody is above error and we should always remember that. Do I wish that I was smarter and do I wish that I could change things I may have said or done? Of course I do but wishing isn’t going to get me anywhere. I have to accept the consequences of my actions and if given the chance I will attempt to atone for them. I seek forgiveness just like everybody else, I feel pain, when I’m cut I bleed, all I want is to stop being so stressed out, stop being depressed to the point of physical illness. 

Things have gotten so bad for me that even my doctor says that I have to reduce my stress or it is going to kill me. I probably should have done it all a lot sooner, instead I let it build up and let it get to me so much that I made some stupid decisions that may affect my future. God knows how much I wish I didnt do that but I cant change it at all. It is definitely time for me to make the change, to become the man I know I can be inside rather than the hermit who is irritable and miserable except for the days I get to see or talk to her and even then the sheer stress and misery from my situation and the way I’ve been living my life isnt enough to where I can just automatically get happy just texting her or sending her a message. Still though I can fight my way into hell and back just to hold her in my arms and when she is with me that light she emits with her smile is enough to chase away all my aches and pains, even the sadness. This change should have been undertaken a long time ago, hopefully it isnt too late to save myself but save the relationships I have with other people. Maybe I should just start out with a simple apology and then build from there. 

So now that I’m in a writing mood.

I guess I should just write, I honestly hate who I have become lately, a depressed, quick to anger, impatient, unlovable person. I push everybody away and I stick to myself. I could give an excuse as to why this is all happening but the thing is there should be no excuse. I shouldnt let other things dictate who I am, especially when I allow them to last for so long. Sure everybody has a bad day or two but not like this. I feel uncomfortable being around people at all lately because all I want to do is yell at them even for the dumbest of things. If somebody doesnt understand what I’m trying to tell them I get mad and just feel like slapping them a few times because I know what I’m trying to say isnt that hard to understand and even when reworded several different ways it all means the same exact thing. I want to change, more like I need to change, I need to be able to have fun again, to joke around and not over think everything over and over again, I cant let myself second guess every little thing I do because usually I end up making the wrong choice. I probably need help with all of this I need to get my life back on track and move on to my future. I keep dwelling on the past, I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, what does it take to change the bad things about yourself and bring back the good ones, I mean every day I just feel like I am going to explode because of everything and I have no clue what needs to be done to make my life back to normal.  Maybe I just need to stop pushing myself so hard and to let things take place as they do instead of trying to force events. I feel so unbelievably burdened by the things going on even if they have nothing to do with me. I dont know, wont somebody please help bring the old me back and banish this new unwanted and horrible me to the darkest corners of my soul. 

So tumblr, its been a while.

Life has a way of shoving its ugly face from time to time and I’ve been going through quite a bit of things. This is probably going to be a long rambling post. Things havent been looking too great for me as of lately. I messed up, and I messed up pretty bad with the one person who I care for and love most of all. I wish she could see that what I did wasn’t really who I am. I was just an idiot and I was letting the other stresses in my life dictate my actions and because I didn’t think things through I ended up messing up. How can I prove that I am trying harder, I am getting better each day, I miss her, each day it just gets worse and worse but what can I do about it? If I apologize for my actions over and over again they wont seem sincere, if I try to talk to her about them non stop it will be too clingy. I’m so lost as to what to, should I just cry? Because honestly thats all I’ve felt like doing lately, I just go outside and I think random thoughts and all of a sudden I feel this overwhelming weight pressing down on me, a force pushed upon me by the world and I cant push that weight off I have to keep it there and be strong all day every day. Sometimes I can feel the tears forming at the corners of my eyes and I think to myself, just maybe this time I will be able to shed some tears, maybe some of the weight will be lifted. But by the time that first tear is shed the rest of the tears refuse to come out, I’m stuck because I thought finally I would get some relief but instead I get one thing lifted only to have more piled on. A little over a year ago I was going through a horrible time, I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself I was a failure I was ready to just give up everything but I made a new friend. This friend talked to me day after day for many hours each day, we hadn’t even met in person but already I could tell that there was just something different about her. Well days passed by and then weeks and months and finally realizing that I’ve grown feelings for her I was scared and didnt know what to do. I tried hard to win her over because I am far from the most attractive man and I have many many flaws. Somehow though it worked, I was sweet enough, kind enough, caring enough, I knew just what to say and just what to do. We started dating, time stood still when I was with her things were perfect and nothing could get between us. Through all this time, each passing second I grew to love her more and more until finally I decided to tell her, I was nervous, scared out of my mind, I didnt want to chase her away I wanted everything to be perfect when I said it. But like the usual nervous wreck that I was I messed it up but still later found out that she had in fact fallen hard for me as well. Things were perfect for a while the time spent together was like flying, such a natural high not even the hardest of drugs could compete with. There was so much love and caring, so much fun and I just knew that I wanted this girl for the rest of my life. I searched and I searched for the perfect ring nothing was perfect enough though and I was losing hope that I would find it. I really dont think that I did get her the perfect ring but then again nothing could be as perfect as she was. Sure we had our bad times but the good times were so so much better. I gave her the ring, even knowing she was going to say yes I was still nervous and scared, I was awkward and I felt like this was the changing moment in my life. I failed to be romantic I fumbled around got on my knee and asked her, she said yes and then I felt such pure joy an indescribable feeling of love and elation and I kind of forgot everything for what seemed like forever, she said something to me and I didnt even hear her and then I realized she wanted me to put the ring on her finger. I awkwardly fumbled around still not quite knowing what I was doing but I got it on and that ring was nothing compared to how she looked at that moment, she was radiant, she was a shining star guiding me along the dark passageways leading me to safety and showing me a better life. After that though, the stress started to hit me, my fairy tale life couldnt hold back the real world that was slowly starting to build up it’s pressure upon my shoulders but it was okay because I had her there to help me bear the weight. Eventually though it became too much for me and her to hold up and it just came crashing down and even though I never meant to do anything to hurt her I was quite honestly lost and I didnt know what to do, My star was still there guiding my path but I was getting to ever darker places and instead of pointing my frustrations and anger and sadness at the things that were causing it I lashed out at her and I never meant it at all never did I want that perfect image of life and love to get even a scratch on it. I dont even know why I am typing all of this, I just want my old self back, that sweet, awkward, nervous, but loving, caring, and gentle person to step out of the darkness and allow my love to guide me again. I know I messed up but I am fixing it, maybe I caused a crack but maybe, just maybe that crack can be fixed and with love and care it can be made stronger than ever. I will do whatever it takes to fix who I am now and turn him back into who I was before. I will deal with my problems head on instead of diverting the pain and anger at the one that I care most about, the one I love more than life itself. I will become the most amazingly caring and loyal significant other as there ever was and I will do whatever it takes to make you smile, make you laugh and cry from joy, I will give up the rest of the world just for you and prove to you that I am going to make things right. I am already on the right path I am already getting help and doing what I can. All I can do now is wait for forgiveness and show you that life with me is going to be better than you can ever imagine. I know she probably isnt going to read this but I feel better if somebody does. I love you, I have from almost the very beginning and I will until the day the world ends even after death itself. 

Ramblings of a Belgian: Dark of the Moon →

dakracs:

Spoilers ahead so if you have not seen this movie you may not want to read. I talk about scenes actually happening in the movie which could ruin it for you.

So I just watched the third Transformers movie and then I finally decided to head over to IMDB to see how much bitching had been done over…

Blah,

This hurricane has me worried about my fiancee… Tomorrow its going to be really bad right where she lives. I checked the path of it when I woke up and instead of going back to sleep it just made me wake up unable to sleep. Kind of sucks that I cant do anything about it.