So tumblr, its been a while.

Life has a way of shoving its ugly face from time to time and I’ve been going through quite a bit of things. This is probably going to be a long rambling post. Things havent been looking too great for me as of lately. I messed up, and I messed up pretty bad with the one person who I care for and love most of all. I wish she could see that what I did wasn’t really who I am. I was just an idiot and I was letting the other stresses in my life dictate my actions and because I didn’t think things through I ended up messing up. How can I prove that I am trying harder, I am getting better each day, I miss her, each day it just gets worse and worse but what can I do about it? If I apologize for my actions over and over again they wont seem sincere, if I try to talk to her about them non stop it will be too clingy. I’m so lost as to what to, should I just cry? Because honestly thats all I’ve felt like doing lately, I just go outside and I think random thoughts and all of a sudden I feel this overwhelming weight pressing down on me, a force pushed upon me by the world and I cant push that weight off I have to keep it there and be strong all day every day. Sometimes I can feel the tears forming at the corners of my eyes and I think to myself, just maybe this time I will be able to shed some tears, maybe some of the weight will be lifted. But by the time that first tear is shed the rest of the tears refuse to come out, I’m stuck because I thought finally I would get some relief but instead I get one thing lifted only to have more piled on. A little over a year ago I was going through a horrible time, I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself I was a failure I was ready to just give up everything but I made a new friend. This friend talked to me day after day for many hours each day, we hadn’t even met in person but already I could tell that there was just something different about her. Well days passed by and then weeks and months and finally realizing that I’ve grown feelings for her I was scared and didnt know what to do. I tried hard to win her over because I am far from the most attractive man and I have many many flaws. Somehow though it worked, I was sweet enough, kind enough, caring enough, I knew just what to say and just what to do. We started dating, time stood still when I was with her things were perfect and nothing could get between us. Through all this time, each passing second I grew to love her more and more until finally I decided to tell her, I was nervous, scared out of my mind, I didnt want to chase her away I wanted everything to be perfect when I said it. But like the usual nervous wreck that I was I messed it up but still later found out that she had in fact fallen hard for me as well. Things were perfect for a while the time spent together was like flying, such a natural high not even the hardest of drugs could compete with. There was so much love and caring, so much fun and I just knew that I wanted this girl for the rest of my life. I searched and I searched for the perfect ring nothing was perfect enough though and I was losing hope that I would find it. I really dont think that I did get her the perfect ring but then again nothing could be as perfect as she was. Sure we had our bad times but the good times were so so much better. I gave her the ring, even knowing she was going to say yes I was still nervous and scared, I was awkward and I felt like this was the changing moment in my life. I failed to be romantic I fumbled around got on my knee and asked her, she said yes and then I felt such pure joy an indescribable feeling of love and elation and I kind of forgot everything for what seemed like forever, she said something to me and I didnt even hear her and then I realized she wanted me to put the ring on her finger. I awkwardly fumbled around still not quite knowing what I was doing but I got it on and that ring was nothing compared to how she looked at that moment, she was radiant, she was a shining star guiding me along the dark passageways leading me to safety and showing me a better life. After that though, the stress started to hit me, my fairy tale life couldnt hold back the real world that was slowly starting to build up it’s pressure upon my shoulders but it was okay because I had her there to help me bear the weight. Eventually though it became too much for me and her to hold up and it just came crashing down and even though I never meant to do anything to hurt her I was quite honestly lost and I didnt know what to do, My star was still there guiding my path but I was getting to ever darker places and instead of pointing my frustrations and anger and sadness at the things that were causing it I lashed out at her and I never meant it at all never did I want that perfect image of life and love to get even a scratch on it. I dont even know why I am typing all of this, I just want my old self back, that sweet, awkward, nervous, but loving, caring, and gentle person to step out of the darkness and allow my love to guide me again. I know I messed up but I am fixing it, maybe I caused a crack but maybe, just maybe that crack can be fixed and with love and care it can be made stronger than ever. I will do whatever it takes to fix who I am now and turn him back into who I was before. I will deal with my problems head on instead of diverting the pain and anger at the one that I care most about, the one I love more than life itself. I will become the most amazingly caring and loyal significant other as there ever was and I will do whatever it takes to make you smile, make you laugh and cry from joy, I will give up the rest of the world just for you and prove to you that I am going to make things right. I am already on the right path I am already getting help and doing what I can. All I can do now is wait for forgiveness and show you that life with me is going to be better than you can ever imagine. I know she probably isnt going to read this but I feel better if somebody does. I love you, I have from almost the very beginning and I will until the day the world ends even after death itself.