Just random thinking.

I have no words of wisdom because I am not a wise man. I make mistakes, and I pay for those mistakes no matter how much I wish I could take them back. But isn’t that one of the parts of being human? You give love and you get love in return, you forgive those for doing wrong, nobody is above error and we should always remember that. Do I wish that I was smarter and do I wish that I could change things I may have said or done? Of course I do but wishing isn’t going to get me anywhere. I have to accept the consequences of my actions and if given the chance I will attempt to atone for them. I seek forgiveness just like everybody else, I feel pain, when I’m cut I bleed, all I want is to stop being so stressed out, stop being depressed to the point of physical illness. 

Things have gotten so bad for me that even my doctor says that I have to reduce my stress or it is going to kill me. I probably should have done it all a lot sooner, instead I let it build up and let it get to me so much that I made some stupid decisions that may affect my future. God knows how much I wish I didnt do that but I cant change it at all. It is definitely time for me to make the change, to become the man I know I can be inside rather than the hermit who is irritable and miserable except for the days I get to see or talk to her and even then the sheer stress and misery from my situation and the way I’ve been living my life isnt enough to where I can just automatically get happy just texting her or sending her a message. Still though I can fight my way into hell and back just to hold her in my arms and when she is with me that light she emits with her smile is enough to chase away all my aches and pains, even the sadness. This change should have been undertaken a long time ago, hopefully it isnt too late to save myself but save the relationships I have with other people. Maybe I should just start out with a simple apology and then build from there.