Whats on my mind?
You know every time I go to update my Facebook status and I see that “What’s on your mind?” I debate to myself, do I really want to put what’s on my mind there or do I want to post some nonsense that nobody really cares about because I don’t want them to know the truth. Well honestly I’m tired of not putting what’s really on my mind. I feel like I am lying to myself and to all of my friends when I keep everything to myself. So, what’s on my mind, well first and foremost life is on my mind, my failures are on my mind, my insecurities. I’m tired of keeping quiet about everything, pretty much lying to people just so they cant see how truly pathetic I feel most of the time. I know life is hard, I know that things will get better eventually, but right now it just seems like I am in a deep dark hole and I’m struggling to get out of it.
What else is on my mind, aside from the fact that I have to move again because yet again I was screwed over by a landlord, maybe I’m thinking about how because of me doing the right thing almost 4 years ago screwed me over and made it impossible for me to actually find a job in New York state. How could doing the right thing put me in this kind of situation? I thought that’s what we were supposed to do, but instead of doing the right thing now I am afraid to get myself involved in anything that even has the potential to cause me trouble. I’m afraid to live my own life. I just want things to work out, to get better.
Another thing that’s on my mind, I’m depressed, I seek reassurance constantly, it is ruining things for me and I know even though I’m not perfect I dont have to be reassured over every little thing. I’m not a child and I have to stop acting like one, I have to take responsibility for my own actions and I have to work hard to get life back in order.
Let me think for a moment here, I guess this business plan that I’m working on is constantly on my mind as well, because I want/need it to work out, I need something to be successful and proud of and I need a way to support myself in the times to come. I cant rely on others so readily and expect them to fix my problems so yeah, I need this business, I need that feeling of success back, I just need to motivate myself a little more, take a little risk.
Lastly, for right now at least, I’m thinking about her, how I’ve been such a horrible boyfriend, how I didn’t even realize how much I was hurting her and affecting our relationship. I think a lot of it came from not wanting to lose her but because I tried to prevent that I almost caused it to happen. I have a second chance though a chance to make things right and a chance to do better.I will not mess this up because I love her, she means the world to me and I will be devastated knowing that I was given this chance and blew it so I am going to work hard to become who she fell in love with again rather than the sniveling manchild I am now. Depression has played a large part in this and feelings of being inadequate but I am getting help for that as well. Hopefully, I can fix a lot of these problems as long as I keep moving forward and as long as I never give up hope.
